Telos
Infirma
nostri corporis firmans virtute perpeti accende lumen sensibus infunde amorem
cordibus.[1]
From the “Veni, Creator Spiritus”
When Jesus called the first
apostles and said the famous words come
and follow me. Haven’t he asked himself whether these band of fishermen,
tax collectors, shepherds and zealots were apt for his disciples. Back then,
students were the ones to approach the rabbi and the rabbi must scrutinize the
student and think whether to accept him or not. Here it was different often radical.
He chose people who would not be chosen by an overzealous rabbi. They were
society’s peons but, they were able achieve what the Pharisees and scribes can
only dream of.
I now stand where
every seminarian would not want to stand. As I scribble these words my heart
throbs. Every second it was as if every
life is being sucked out of my mortal flesh eating away the youth that once has
invigorated me with the optimism and idealism now what remains were the
tattered self eaten by an unjust oppression. To live in oneness of mind and
heart is enough idealism that the mouth can utter. The smiles that we make, the
pictures, the sweet memories of this building fill my soul yet it wants me out.
It wants to be radical and inculcate in her the spirit of a true servant of the
lord. Yet, in fabricating such an ideal it crosses the boundary between
illusion and reality. The institution
wants to be more and enjoy the fullness of your grace O God, but she believes
in can do more with less. They overlook the most important occurrence of every
person, an occurrence they themselves are inside. You placed us O Lord in a
bowl of things were everything moves around in circles. How many scientists and
wise men have known you through the movements of the stars? Contemplating you
in your exuberant beauty, grandiosity, and glory, you O Lord are the only one,
unfathomable but, immanent. Yet, in your great mystery the only thing that
which we see are the shadows of a shadow play. You seem to be the puppeteer as
I gaze into the world. An event happens and instantly I find myself in the
middle of things and contemplating whatever that remains in my feeble
understanding. But, I know my God that you were there in the crepes operating
in your grand intelligence. If you were able to move atoms and clash them
together to form what marvels in physics we have, then what more with my life;
feeble, monstrous, and primitive. Yet, God you were there for me in everything
and in every moment. How many times have I not see you occur? How many times
have I not seen your immanence working?
Guide me Lord,
that in this work I may illustrate the great power that works. You have made
extraordinary things out of the most ordinary. It is difficult when you live in
a place where you want to belong but the place does not want you to belong in
it. It wants you to extend up to the breaking point yet it does not want you to
return. It slowly becomes the source of inauthenticity. I live in this place
yet; there exists a tension between what I am and what others want me to be. It
stretches me, kills me slowly. Should there be a disparity between what I am
and what I ought to be? There is a tension inside me. Forces are battling
against each other and my being is at stake.
For this same
reason, I must write these following words. They, the ones who are above
seating on their chairs of power, look on us with contempt. They have known our
names yet; they have not heard us or have known us as persons. They were like
playing with paper dolls with clerical garbs for costumes. Their decisions were
awaited but how many times have my anger been incited because of them! God has
placed me here for a reason and this reason is the fire the powers my whole
being to move and work for him. But,
haven’t you who are in power realized this fire that burns in every
seminarian’s heart? Every day they think on what to do, how to serve, offer,
and make thee happy O God. But, why have you placed these cunning men to seats
of power that wise people should hold? Why should the unwise decide? Their
decision will throw pearls into a herd of swine! What a waste! They say we are
weak but who here is not weak? They say we are unfit but, who is fit? Who is
the most perfect man that can serve God? Who is sinless, pure and without
weakness? If there is someone then come and show yourself! If there is none
then we are left with each other and this altruism keeps us together. Yet,
there exists no respect for each person. We are busy with fabricating models
and idealistic stances on persons ignoring the fact that no one can ever fit.
As I write this,
my heart throbs it wants to be yet, they do not want it to be. They kick and
beat whatever is left of my being feeding it to the dogs the tattered self
which I emanate. But, the question is am I made for them? Am I clay that they
can form into whatever they want? People are not just lumps of clay rather they
are persons possessing a self that exists, and is in the world. He is not just
some shadow figure on a shadow play. He moves yet, everyone has mistaken him
for someone or something else. It was as if the whole issue of freedom is but a
mirage to hide the schemes of cunning and bloodthirsty men.
Amidst all this I
must continue to write. Words are the greatest weapons. It can launch almost
everything. It can cause war, peace, justice etc. The world is created through
a word. I am against all rigidity. These realities make me want to serve you
more O God. The faults of old invigorate me to change them and persist in this
life all the more. No one can fit to any model whatsoever. No one can be made
subject to a determined set of definitions which would define the person’s
vocation. Remember Jesus called the most unlikely of persons. He works so
mysteriously that we do not know how it unfolds.
Sem. Jose Ruben Garcia
Hostem repellas longius
Pacemque dones protinus. Ductore sic te praevio vitemus omne pessimum. [2]
-Veni Creator Spiritus
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